Over Coming My Fears !

Over Coming My Fears !... Seems lately as I start to come to reality that I've acquired fears.
Well maybe I've had them all along but just never realized it.  I'm not really sure.  As I
go through my days and night, which by the way them seem to just all run together. Kind
of boggles me.

Here I am tonight having come down with a cold (hopefully nothing else) I'm on my second
day of it and I'm keeping it somewhat under control. Night time is always the worst. During
the day I keep hydrated catch a few naps in between the coughing and take my Tylenol ever
4 hours...I'm fine but come night time, something more takes over.

The realization I'm alone, no Robert to call out too...sucks !  I say my prayers asking God
to forgive me for my ANGER. I can't help myself. Then this strange feeling over takes my
ability to reason things out.

That fear reaches up and plays with my mind...The "What if"...Who can I call out to ?  I grab
on to my Annie as she's laying next to me..then I've got to sit up. My heart is racing and I can't
catch my breath. I feel like it's an Anxiety attack...Why???  Because I'm by myself.

I then again ask God to help me, help me understand what I'm doing to myself...and it's really
that. Yes, I'm sick but I'm not bad...I mean I have some discomfort but I'm not dying. How
do I stop myself from doing this, or is this still apart of grieving ?

I can't wait till the night passes and daylight has arrived....but I've got to face this or I'll make
myself a mess. I do find me writing about it helping.. making me aware of what is happening.
Perhaps in my writing I can help someone else cause I'm sure I'm not the only one.

I looked over at the bed and Miss Annie is all comfy, she even brought one of the toys I
gave her to bed..I know she's missing Rudy...I am too !  I've got the TV on making noise
and I'm hoping I can lay down ...if not I'll head up to the living room sit in my cozy chair
watch TV till I fall asleep.

Yes ! I'm angry with myself for letting myself fall in to this weakness. I really want to shout
and say, "Get your act together". Maybe I will before the night's over. I will say this my
breathing has slowed down as I was shallow breathing before I started writing.  That's a
Good Thing !

I wish I knew the answers, I wish I was over this cold but I know I've got a few days before
it leaves me (hopefully) and I can start getting my life back. I just miss Robert so much. I '
know I have to let him go, but I can't not just yet.

Lord help me, I just wish in my dream I could see him happy . The unknown is full of
pain, it's awful.  Come on sleep grab me.