The Night Before Easter

The Night before Easter and here I sit at my computer.. I had a decent day as my friend
Jane came over for an early dinner..She treated me to Cpt D's which by the way was pretty
darn good.

We sat and chatted and I know she was feeling down as I've been sick and she was home
alone. Jane too suffers from loneliness. Although John and she fought like cats and dogs
they were definitely a match.

We had a good day and a good evening watching an old classic.. Abbott and Costello meets
Frankenstein  LOL One of my favorites by the way.  As time grew close to her leaving I
could sense her getting frightened.

These are issues that are really big with us women.  Men handle it much better I think because
they are just use to being the "Get on with it" and having to always be the main decision maker
through out our century.

I as strong as I was would always run things by Robert. not that I was incapable of making
decisions, but I felt two heads were better than one on outlooks. So as the years went by
it became the "Norm" for me... Now, I'm in a dither, I hesitate too much. I don't know if that
will change but I'm making the best of it.

Now tomorrow is Easter and Jane will be coming over and most likely all week which will be
good for both of us.. Some days might be great and others, well we can get into it but we don't
get all bent out of shape.

My illness is coming along but slowly..My hacking continues and my sleep is not long so during
the day I'm getting naps... I need them all. My stomach is hopefully gonna straighten out as that
frightens me. Trying not to go in panic overdrive and just trying to let things go.

My prayers are about giving me strength and courage and helping me understand and most of all
forgiveness.. I always ask Why, maybe I have to stop that..but I'm not sure I can. I miss Robert so
very much and I hate the feeling of non existence. I try to keep his memory going again as I look
around it's empty...Sucks !

Now I'm gonna attempt to get in bed and hope and pray I can get to sleep without having a majoy
hacking attack or other wise it's back to the Chair !

Sweet dreams and Pray for everyone and pass it forward

I Skpped Thursday to Head For Friday

I Skipped Thursday to Head For Friday. My Cold needed my attention...I couldn't type

as my hands were busy with Kleenex....Yeah it was a 1 box deal of a day. I thought

if this keeps up I will have to go to Urgent Care and get checked out.

 

Was my lucky Friday as the place was full and I thought to myself, this is not a good

thing.... I could come home worse than what I was going in. Plus the fact I actually

got up from my big chair at 1am and crawled into my bed. A tad bit apprehensive but

I said a quick prayer and next thing I knew it ..It was 5:30am.

Most of my day again was just not doing much... I mean I really couldn't even if I wanted

too. So me and Annie and Ms Shug hung out took on and off naps and managed to get up

a few times and make breakfast and lunch. 

Dinner I really wasn't hungry, so I drank more Lemon and water to make sure I flushed

my kidneys...anything to get rid of this cold.. I took my Tylenol but not as often..My 

cold was beginning to break a bit and leaving me with a soar throat..If that's all it leaves

me with... I'll be blessed. 

Tonight I decided to come back to my bed and see if I couldn't get a good night's sleep ..only

problem is, I'm not tired..more like wired out..So I'm sitting her typing and really can't read

as my eyes are not good.....Hopefully word correct will work ..oh and I still haven't figured

how to get my proper alignment. It will have to wait till I can see better.

Tomorrow Jane is going to venture over...I told her not to worry as I'm out of the contagious 

state and she'd be ok.. Hopefully I can at least start making her a dinner..I know she's lonely

at night and her coming over every night for dinner helped her and me.

I also know that I have some really awesome friends on line some I've never met but are so

so supportive and that means so much . I also learned to how others feel about living by 

themselves and the fears they encounter.

I do know this, each night and daytime when I say my prayers, they help..I don't mean to say 

that they are answered, that's one you hope. but they may get answered in other ways. Robert

taught me that.

Now, I'm gonna attempt to crawl in bed turn on the tv and hopefully I'll fall asleep.. I know

my Annie is happy cause she really enjoys the bed..

I pray for all that read this blog that it brings you some smiles, and lets you know that you too

are not alone .  Sweet dreams and God Bless

I Eased Through My Day

I eased through my day.. I realized last night I could not lay in bed so I got up and went
into the living room and fixed my blanket in my big chair and turned on the TV. Sitting
propped up helped me breath better.

I had my glass of lemon and water to break the phlegm that kept building up and I blew
my nose like  I was Gabriel in the Heavens.. Loud and continuously. I think by the time
I started to fall asleep I could have been called Rudolf.

Wee morning  hours I felt my body finally relax and through out the day I drifted in and
out. I kept hydrated and kept telling myself I'm gonna get though this.  I sure was anxious
when daylight came upon me.

Later in the day my friend Jane went to the store for me to pick up some more cough drops
and even bought some Orange Sherbet....that will surely soothe my sore throat. and towards
the end of this day the heavy coughing is slowing up.

I will see how my night goes and if I'm still strongly hacking at which point I'll then go to
Urgent Care and most likely get some pred and a Zpak. I'm sure hoping this will subside
as I hate to keep taking antibiotics ..

Now I'm gonna attempt to lay in bed and try not to stress out, if I need to get up no big
deal. I'll head back in to my big chair and ride another night out.

On to my prayers !

Over Coming My Fears !

Over Coming My Fears !... Seems lately as I start to come to reality that I've acquired fears.
Well maybe I've had them all along but just never realized it.  I'm not really sure.  As I
go through my days and night, which by the way them seem to just all run together. Kind
of boggles me.

Here I am tonight having come down with a cold (hopefully nothing else) I'm on my second
day of it and I'm keeping it somewhat under control. Night time is always the worst. During
the day I keep hydrated catch a few naps in between the coughing and take my Tylenol ever
4 hours...I'm fine but come night time, something more takes over.

The realization I'm alone, no Robert to call out too...sucks !  I say my prayers asking God
to forgive me for my ANGER. I can't help myself. Then this strange feeling over takes my
ability to reason things out.

That fear reaches up and plays with my mind...The "What if"...Who can I call out to ?  I grab
on to my Annie as she's laying next to me..then I've got to sit up. My heart is racing and I can't
catch my breath. I feel like it's an Anxiety attack...Why???  Because I'm by myself.

I then again ask God to help me, help me understand what I'm doing to myself...and it's really
that. Yes, I'm sick but I'm not bad...I mean I have some discomfort but I'm not dying. How
do I stop myself from doing this, or is this still apart of grieving ?

I can't wait till the night passes and daylight has arrived....but I've got to face this or I'll make
myself a mess. I do find me writing about it helping.. making me aware of what is happening.
Perhaps in my writing I can help someone else cause I'm sure I'm not the only one.

I looked over at the bed and Miss Annie is all comfy, she even brought one of the toys I
gave her to bed..I know she's missing Rudy...I am too !  I've got the TV on making noise
and I'm hoping I can lay down ...if not I'll head up to the living room sit in my cozy chair
watch TV till I fall asleep.

Yes ! I'm angry with myself for letting myself fall in to this weakness. I really want to shout
and say, "Get your act together". Maybe I will before the night's over. I will say this my
breathing has slowed down as I was shallow breathing before I started writing.  That's a
Good Thing !

I wish I knew the answers, I wish I was over this cold but I know I've got a few days before
it leaves me (hopefully) and I can start getting my life back. I just miss Robert so much. I '
know I have to let him go, but I can't not just yet.

Lord help me, I just wish in my dream I could see him happy . The unknown is full of
pain, it's awful.  Come on sleep grab me.

I Was A.W.O.L. Yesterday !

I was A.W.O.L. Yesterday !  I had to bring my RV to the repair shop and when I got
home I was sniffling and coughing.. Thought, must have allergies acting up.. So I took
some meds and attempted to relax even though inside I was frustrated again. Turns out
I've gotten a cold...Hopefully I'll get through this quickly and keep on top of it.

This seems to be just how my life is going lately..No matter what, nothing seems to
get done right . The more you attempt to get things straightened out the worst it gets.
Guess you have to go with the flow and hope for the best.

The reason I'm saying that is because the Repair guy claims they never fixed this particular
slide when I know the last time I brought it in, both slides were grinding...Do you sometimes
wonder if it's you ????

So home I came and proceeded to get more frustrated when I looked at my taxes that my
accountant had prepared. Does the IRS have any shame?  Oh then I also have for 2018
Vouchers to send in Quarterly. Guess so the IRS is going to make sure they get their money.

As I think back how my Robert was saying, "Retirement will be somewhat easy for us". He
meant well God Rest His Soul......but it's proving to be some what of a P I A ....I'm being kind!

Today, March 27th, my sister Alice passed. It truly was a blessing for her because she was
extremely ill and living out her remainder life at the mercy of a nursing home. Something I'm
praying I never have to be placed in.

Now for the day, I intend to not do much as I'm gonna just keep hydrated and take my Tylenol
and snuggle up on the couch..Watch some old classic movies I've recorded . What else do you
do with a Cold... Yup, got my vicks handy too !

God Bless

Holy Hannah A Double Dare Whammy !

Holy Hannah A Double Dare Whammy ....I done got and all in one day. I'm pinching

myself to see if I'm still alive. I know I gasped for air a few times...but I'm still kicking.

Started my day off decent... went to Walmart which by the way, I'm not a fan of but 

for what I buy there I do get a good deal. Never buy meats as they deal with foreign 

goods so I do my shopping at either Winn Dixie or Publix....depending on who has

the better sale. However, I prefer my meats from Winn Dixie.

Stopped at Arby's for my treat...now they do make the best Friend Onion Rings..and

I enjoyed my lunch all went well as I arrived home. Unloaded the car and the rest was

history till someone came knocking on my door as asked if I didn't mind could they

see my Motorhome...They are contemplating buying one...mmmm so I got my keys out

and had to start the rig as it's been sitting then turned the generator on and preceded to

bring out the slides.

That's when my nightmare began..the dang slide that was repaired as the gears were stripped

(brand new mind you) started grinding away and shifting... Holy Crap!!  I got sick to my 

stomach...I couldn't wait for the people to leave they were gracious but I could see their

look of...What was that ????

I came into the house and started to cry..no chitski. I now have to call the RV place that did

the work and bring it back down AGAIN. I just am sick of the whole flippin thng. Brand new

only use 4 times and benn in the shop more than on the road.

So I'm prepared for my mess and then comes the next ordeal..Went to get my mail and low

and behold the IRS is gonna drain me..What happened to draining the SWAMP.. I got a 

whopper of an amount.. I had to take a third look and then the next page I have to start 

paying for 2018 so much every few months..WHAT ????

Now I'll call my accountant on this crap too...Monday is gonna be one busy asp day for me

I might even turn BLUE...Lately it's never ending. Here I thought my day was going well 

I got out of Walmart without a headache.

Better get a new ink pen cause I'm gonna be doing a lot of writing and it ain't Love Letters

In The Sand.

So that's my dilemma and I'm not a winner that's for sure. Perhaps tomorrow I might get lucky

and wake up from this bad friggin dream

Speaking of which I need to go to bed ..Sweet Dreams and God Bless  

Saturday Night Madness !

Well here I am for the second time today sitting at my computer before going to bed.
Talk about wakeup....I just had one of those moments. I've been rather proud of myself
keeping up my bookkeeping paying my bills on line. Every 20th of the month I sit down
and log in to my account and start putting in those figures.

Like my Robert had taught me (him the finance man ) always keep a log record and data
confirmation numbers and check off as you go along.. So that's what I do. Sometimes
it's a pain in the Kester, but its a way of double checking pay outs.

Well tonight I sat down and started re checking and I got nervous.. I looked at the payee list and
I thought I forgot to pay things and panic hit in.. How could I have goofed. So I called the
customer service number apologizing and the young girl said, "Calm down lets see and don't
worry just complete the bank transaction and I'll make note so you won't be charged a late fee"

That calmed me down a bit but I was sure gonna get off the phone and make a complete check of
everything...then all of a sudden the young girl comes back on the phone as says, "Ma'am, your
account is all up to date, are you looking at your April bill by mistake.."?    Sure enough that's
what I done did !!!!

I thanked her got off the phone and just shook my head...I had one of those "Lost my thoughts"
Now what am I going through>>>>>>>> geeezzzzz... what's next ?...So I looked at my record
book which I do manually and sure enough I was on the April page....DUH !!!

Today was not such a great day...Lost of  emotions shot through me and although I tried to not let
it get to me it did...Something I have to keep working on..I tried to do something decent for some
one and they turned it around and kind of slapped me in the face with their rebuttal . What can
you do but pick up your big girl panties and let Karma play itself out.

Now I'm ready to lay down and hold on to my Miss Annie... I hear Sapphire (my dishwasher) going
to town making that nice humming sound which will hopefully put me to sleep..Say my prayers
and thank the Almighty God for me making it thought this day..

Sweet Dreams, God Bless

It's Been To Too Long

It's Been To Too Long and a lot has happen in my life....I'm not even sure where to begin.,

I'll start off with the loss of my best friend and soul mate,  My husband Robert.
He battled Squamous Cell Carcinoma during the year 2015 through part of 2016 and on July 12th
2016 at 11:00am he passed in my arms.

I can't even begin to even explain the horrendous ordeal he and I went through. The mistakes,
the nightmares and the Ego of one of the top Doctors at the University Of Penn in Philadelphia, Pa..
All that I can tell you, it was the worst experience of my life.

Now here I sit, almost 2 years later and I still feel like it was yesterday. When does it stop hurting?
When do I ever stop missing him ? These are just simple questions that it seems no one can really
answer.

Do I question God, for having my Robert go through such suffering, a decent man who loved the
Lord more than anything in this world .  Am I bitter ?  You bet !  Because there is such scum that
walks the earth and does horrible acts of violence and nothing happens to them other than maybe they
get caught and thrown in jail and "We" take care of them and treat them humanly.

I'm trying to keep my faith strong. I pray every night asking for guidance and maybe I really don't mean it. I'm not even sure myself. I have to make a life for myself and my fears are intense. Frightened of just about everything.

From being a strong woman to becoming a mess. I'm almost 75 and trying to regain myself. Worried about the "what if". Fear of unknown. Then I ask, "Is this what God has intended for me ?"

So here I am after many years (have no clue where they went) sitting down and writing on my Blog.
Not even sure how to go about things.Hoping maybe my first attempt will work.

I remember I use to every night come sit at my computer before going to bed and write about my day and some were funny and some were, "Are you kidding me". but it always helped me. Maybe that's what I should start doing. I'll give it a try. I can't go back, too much pain but I can go forward
perhaps that will help me.

Now how to even get all this to come out ok and even put in a few pictures every now and then.

Tally Ho ! Onward