My Wishing Wednesday

My Wishing Wednesday...and how I wish it really was !  I'm at a loss for words and I know those that follow me are probably saying, "I can't believe that" and normally I would say.."You are right" !  Unfortunately today I really am.. I don't even know how to begin this...or for that matter, how to deal with it.

Here goes..yesterday was Zeke's visit to the Docs..and the first part with the Internist went rather well..but then that was the end of the "good " news..next came reality check ...and it still is....I'm still having a problem with accepting ..

The Cardiologist was right to the point..Zeke still has the A Fib (Arrhythmia ) and his heart rate..(this was a shocker) was at 240 beats per minute and they had to give him IV meds to slow it down...while doing the Echo and EKG...she also noticed a small about of fluid around the heart called a pericardial effusion.. she couldn't aspirate it to draw off some of the cells..however her feeling is that usually when seeing this in a dog of Zeke's age (and particular to this Rottie breed) that is usually is a mass... 

My heart sank and so did hubby's. We both sat there staring into space..understand the words as they were spoken and not wanting to really hear them as loud and clear as they came across..but understanding what this means...Shocker...yes, wanting to handle it,  No... Knowing that what I have to do is coming really difficult ...  

Of course the Doc did also say, "Now this could  "Possible be his norm"  and I could be wrong ...but...(the key word) in 6 to 8 weeks we'll know if it is a tumor...it will show itself loud and clear..."....Word I can only tell you echoed in my heart and in the pit of my stomach...

Our day was long ...this made it even longer..We had gotten to the hospital at 10:15am and left there at almost 5 PM... and for Zeke, I have to say, "the techs there were wonderful with him.. He went with them very easily..not like he would have normally been..cause he would have never left my side...He knew I'm sure of that..as well as I knew when we walked in that door... 

I've cried my eyes dry and as he lay down at the foot of my bed I kept touching him...I just never thought it would be like this ..not now.. I know I have those weeks ahead...and then there's the heart beats.. I mean he can't live with his heart racing like that..  I would have thought being a heart patient myself .. my Lord he would have had a stroke... and the Lord only knows what this is all about...

Now I'll bring him up to Sauls (my friend and vet) in a week and do an EKG there and then that report will be sent to the Cardio Doc at the hospital.and then the wait to see what's with the fluid...again, I don't like to second guess anything..but my gut feelings ...if there's a mass there isn't any hope..and I won't let it prolong.. I won't put him through any more...

My brain does a quick flash of all my Critters I've had and those that were extra special... and I've had only 1..yes, you are reading that right ..only 1 that was that extra mile.. Barry.. my Dane..he was exceptional and a one on one reading all the way.. He seemed to know my every move and went far and beyond any Critter I've ever owned...and now here is Zeke..a close second ..I'd say not as smart but damn close.. The wildest things is I lost Barry at age 7 with  Caner of the lung...and here is Zeke age 7 and possible Cancer again.. 

I ask myself, "How can this be"... Zeke became a service dog to me.. he was there for me and what I needed and couldn't do Zeke made it possible.. How can I lose my best friend... again.. I'm trying to accept things I can't change and ease pain..but it's not working out to well.. I'll miss him terrible...

I know you're asking yourself.. "Why am I writing in the past tense " ?   Well, for me it's the only way I'm able to get through any of this..I've also thought about my other Critters.. Joe, Reba and Abby.. they too are walking on the edge..so within a year or so I'll have an empty nest.. and for me that's gonna be so hard.. I've had critters all my life..in fact my life evolves around my critters as they are my world.. Hubby included of course..but think about it.. through my illness the only ones I could turn to was my critters..

I'm sure there is a lot of you that can relate to it...as I have read all of your hard times and tears, as I did I knew I'd be facing this too.. I mean I've faced a lot of hard happening through out my life.. from my first husband becoming a Quadriplegic in the first year of our marriage to losing my child and husband. To losing other pregnancies years later after I married my hubby.. Robert...so it's been on going... I've accepted it...I had no choice..do we ever ?

It's strange when something is happening how we reflect back in time as to all that has happened...Like I've often said .."My life is like a Country Song or perhaps a Day Time Drama..."   I've never let it show much.. I had to keep truckin' on...but here I am now..my life in another turmoil and I'm trying to keep it from totally doing me in.. I've lost a lot of my drive as with my illness which is trying to take control and I'm not letting that happen...I'm trying to fight back..

Sure good reason for why I started my blog too... I can write and read it and then say,  "Screw it".. I have to go on .. there is a purpose for this..Maybe to help others...or maybe to just help myself.. What ever it is...I guess I'll find out...and then I look down at my Zeke and smile.. Thank you God for letting me have him, for letting him be a part of my life . He will live on maybe not on this earth..but always in my heart..